मैं होता ही नहीं

मैं होता ही नहीं
सूरज उग रहा होता फिर भी
स्वप्निल पहाड़ों के पीछे, रोज़
धूप शरमाती नहीं गिरते हुए
धरती पर
बहती जाती हवा के साथ
और बिखर जाती खेतों पर
फसलें मुस्कुरातीं
तपती, गेहूं की बालियाँ
समा लेती सूरज को अपने में
खिलखिलाती यूँ, की पिघल जाये पत्थर
मनोरम ऐसी, कि निहारता रहता
घंटों, नज़र पड़ जाये अगर
छू कर देखता उन्हें, अपने हाथों से
सहलाता उन बीजों को
और कहता शुक्रिया उसको
जिसने बनायी ये धरती
करता ये सब, जब,
होता मैं वहाँ, मगर
मैं होता ही नहीं

मैं होता ही नहीं
बारिश तो फिर भी गाती
सुनाती अपना राग
बूँदें उसकी, पा कर
झूम उठते पेड़, और पंछी
लहराते बादल
करते मुआयना हर कोने का
कोई अछूता न रहता
इस अमृत से
भीग रहे होते, बच्चे
घरों के बाहर
बारिश के गीत गाते
खुशबु मिट्टी की
भर जाती साँसों में
इतना जी लेता मैं
होता मैं वहाँ, मगर
मैं होता ही नहीं

मैं होता ही नहीं
बादल फिर भी ढँक देते, धरा को
अपने चादर में
टाल देते सूरज को, कल आना कहकर
अलाव जल उठते
गर्माते शरीरों को
कम्बल से लिपटे
और कोहरा कहाँ रह पाता, इससे दूर
आ जाता वो भी
बैठ जाता साथ में
और सुनता किस्से, राजा-रानी के
घरों की बिजली
बदल देती स्वर्ग में, जगह को
दिए बह रहे हों जैसे, नदी में
हाथ में लकड़ियाँ उठाकर
डाल आता अलाव में
होता मैं वहाँ, मगर
मैं होता ही नहीं

मैं होता ही नहीं
देखने को, यह सब
फिर भी, सुन्दर तो सब होता
ना जीवन रुकता, किसी का
ना ही रुकते जाने वाले
तो फिर होकर भी क्या, यहाँ?
जब रहना भी वैसा
और ना रहना भी
“आ जाओ, रुक जाओ”
सुना ही नहीं
तो अजन्मा ही खुश
कोई डोर ही नहीं जब
तो खींचेगा कौन?
मनमौजी मैं, मर्ज़ी से आता
ख़ुशी से जाता, कभी
पत्ते भी झड़ते
बसंत भी आता
और भी होते, मौसम अगर
होता मैं वहाँ, मगर
मैं होता ही नहीं |

– राहुल

“If I hadn’t loved you” – Episode 16

There’s a simple thing about happy days, they show you why you are alive. That there is lot more than worries in life, there is joy, happiness. No wonder why I was feeling this. It’s quite natural when you have someone with you whom you love and care.
“You’ve got new shoes?”, she was looking at my new shoes.
“Yes”, I looked at her face which bore some mischevious expressions, “Why?”
“Just asking! They are very clean. No dirt, no mud”, she was staring at the shoes, that same expression still on her face.
I knew something was fishy.
“How would new shoes get dirty?” I asked, still doubtful of her reply.
But her words were too late to come out. As soon as I finished my question, there was a lightning movement of a foot towards my shoes. Before I could understand what just happened, there appeared stains on my shoes.
“Like this”, she backed up immediately and burst out into a laughter.
“What the hell! You just spoilt my brand new shoes!”, I was amazed at her action.
“Yes”, she was still laughing.
Now it was my turn. I moved my foot towards her sandals furiously, and just when it was about to strike her toe, she retracted her feet. I looked up in wonder as she laughed again, “You are a loser in this game!”
“I know! I know!”, I accepted my defeat.
“You really can’t win when it’s me”, her laughter finally came to halt.
“Now may I ask why? Why did you just did that?”, I asked.
“Just for fun”, she was smiling.
“You and your fun”, I smiled looking at her childish, innocent face. How would I ever tell this girl what I feel for her? “Now give me your phone”
She handed me her phone.
“What if I check your message inbox?”, my fingers ready to open the inbox with the push of a button, expecting her to act immediately and snatch the phone like most girls do. But instead, her reply was different, “There’s no secret in it. Go ahead!”
“Really?”, I asked again.
“Yes”, she replied.
“Okay then, let me see what’s inside”, I opened the inbox. There were around two dozen messages in inbox. I checked all of them. Really, there was no secret! I was happy to assume that she has no boyfriend. Then I moved on to the sent messages. It had very few messages with not much difference with those found in the inbox; except one.
There was a message sent to an unknown number at 01:24 am last night. It read:
“I’ll call u tomorrow sweetheart”
A shockwave passed my hand that was holding the phone, attacking my mind and leaving it paralysed for a moment.
She has a boyfriend? Why didn’t she tell me earlier? Should I ask her directly? Or just ignore the message as if nothing ever happened? Is there no place for me in her life? Is this true? God! And I was just imagining like a fool! What when she tells him about me? He might suggest her not to talk to me anymore! My dreams, ruined…
Maybe it was the situation that was driving my thoughts much forward than I could handle, but it was horrible. The very thought of her boyfriend scared me. I didn’t wanted myself to be rejected on proposing her.
“Your phone”, I extended my hand to handover the phone to her. All smile, vanished. But there was time to ask her. If the dreams are never going to come real, I should ask her about this. Now or later, truth will have the same impact on me.
“By the way, who is this?”, I dared ask her.
“Who?”, she asked.
And then I told her about the message, expecting her to go serious on the matter. Looking directly into her eyes as my words framed that question, I could see amazement there. But there was something else, out of my thought, ahead of my mind’s short reach.
Maybe it was more of a laughter exercise for her today, as she saw my face curiously, and then started laughing again.
“Why are you laughing?”, I was wondering at her reaction.
“Then what else I do? You just read a text message and derived that she’s my boyfriend”, she was smiling now.
“She?”, my eyes widened on this disclosure.
“Yes, she! My childhood friend, Shweta!”
“You use the word sweetheart for her?”, I could realise I was still under shock, as I emphasized the word sweetheart.
“Yes! And what’s wrong with that?”, she asked.
“Nothing”, I was relieved finally, “but really? You really call her sweetheart? And why didn’t you save her number?”
“Of course I do. It’s our understanding. And I didn’t save her number because I got it yesterday night when I was busy with the ED assignments. I thought I’ll save it later”, she replied.
I felt as if I was relieved from some emotional jail. Whatever happened next to it made the environment lighter, and I could feel myself flying in the sky!

अलहदा

अलहदा,
तुझसे नहीं,
अपने आप से
कहता रहता हूँ यही
रहा सदा
पर अब नहीं
रहना मुझे
यूँ तुझसे जुदा,
अलहदा

 

अलहदा
मेरा प्रेम, तेरे लिये
यह मैं कैसे कहूँ
तेरे पास कान नहीं और
ज़बान मेरी, मुझसे
अलहदा

 

अलहदा
नहीं तेरे लिये
किसी और से
शायद मैं
कि तेरी
अंश भर खुशी
भी बँटती है बराबर
पर दुख नहीं
पहले ही नोंचकर
कर देता हूँ उसे, तुझसे
अलहदा

 

अलहदा
मेरे लिये तू
यही सच मेरा
छिपाता फिरता हूँ
चमकीला झूठ
बुनता हूँ तेरे आस-पास
और जीता हूँ
ऐसे ही
तेरे साथ, तुझसे
अलहदा

 

अलहदा
रह सकता हूँ
तुझसे
सारी उम्र
ये गुमान, टूट जाएगा
उसी दिन
हाथ मारेगा
जब विछोह
मेरी खुशियों पे
सो यही
आस मेरी सदा
न करे तू
कभी मुझे, तुझसे
अलहदा

 

– राहुल

“If I hadn’t loved you” – Episode 15

The ringing sound on the phone’s speaker was beating my eardrums like an orchestra!

Being in love with her; having long, senseless conversations with her till late night; despite my ignorance to chords, singing along a song on the phone with her; caring for her; waiting for her; helping her in completing the assignments; smiling at her; just to keep looking at her; it was all so rhythmic!

Those who have ever loved someone, know what it is to be in love! Ask me, and I’ll call it wizardry. Love is the nucleus of power, a source of never ending energy, that drives you crazy. If you can handle the transformation, you’ve got heavens; but if it’s not for you, you’ll burn like hell, slowly, each and every other day, night.

This was the third time I had been trying to call her. Last couple of minutes were wasted waiting her to pick-up the call. One or two tries did not invoke any worries, but with this third one, it was getting serious. Why on earth is she not accepting the call? I was wondering. Is she asleep? But it was too early for her to sleep. It was the time I used to call her.

The over-sophisticated, recorded voice of a lady operator was there at the end of each ring which did not meet her acceptance. Her silence, her absence, it was bothering me now. But it was hard to figure out the reason.

Maybe she was serious when she asked me not to call her anymore! The thought struck me like a lightning bolt. Was she serious? I don’t think she was! My fingers froze for the moment. Thumb ready to redial the number, but was held back, as if waiting for a command to fire. But I had no control of it. Did my not calling her yesterday has seriously angered her? There was only one way to get the answer.

I redialled the number, deciding that this would be my last call for the day. It was better to confront, clarify, rather than fighting with the situation.

The phone was ringing. And after a certain number of rings, it ended.

I was too busy with the rings, hoping to listen to her sweet voice, that I didn’t notice the tears that came out meanwhile and were kind-of frozen on the lower part of my cheeks due to the chilly weather. The call ended, and I found myself sobbing. It was getting serious! Damn it! All this came with a gift of this very thought, I lost her. There was bitterness all around, and it felt like I had a cactus in my throat. I coughed, I cried, I wept, I sobbed. It was dark, the clouds were overcast, on the sky, and my life too, at least then.

I couldn’t stop myself from calling her again, besides knowing that she’s not going to pick it up. I was mad. I had to talk to her, anyhow. I decided to keep trying the number until she picks up the call.

Tries, and tries, and tries.

Then, unexpectedly but yes, the clouds had a silver line. The angelic voice appeared out of the clouds!

“Hello”, she replied.

I had no words.

“I’m so sorry that I could’t accept your call. I was in a friend’s room comleting the assignments. Sorry”, she justified, even though I didn’t ask.

Silence on my side.

“Rahul? Are you there?”, and then she heard something, “Oh my God! Rahul! You are crying!!!”

Though I was unnoticed, but she had heard my sobs.

“Rahul I’m so sorry! Please stop crying, and tell me what happened?”, she was worried.

“Nothing”, I replied, wiping my tears.

“Oh please tell me Rahul! What’s the matter?”, she pleaded.

“Just… thought you were not going to talk to me”, I responded.

“Why won’t I talk to you? You are such a dear friend!”, she said, “What made you think like this?”

“I thought you were serious when you said that you won’t talk to me now onwards”, my tone still sadistic.

“I’m so sorry, I never meant it! I was just teasing you, idiot”, she clarified.

“Really?”, I was not sure.

“Yes, of course”, she tried to calm me down.

“Okay”, the mood was a bit lighter now, “listen, I’ll talk to you in the college”

“Are you sure?”, she asked.

“Yes, pretty much. See you then. Bye, good night”, I said.

“Okay then! Bye, good night”, she replied, waiting for me to say something else. But it was all done.

“Bye”, and I hung up.

Putting the phone in my pocket, I looked up.

The clouds had cleared the sky, and the moon, surrounded by the stars, threw its light on the earth. The coconut tree outside my house shone in its full-glory!

“If I hadn’t loved you” — Episode 14

“Don’t call me today”, I heard her saying.

“What? Why?”, surprised at her words, I asked.

“It’s simple! You don’t have time for me. So why waste your precious time on calling me?”, she seemed to be asking it innocently, but this surely wasn’t the case.

“Why? Tell me at least, when did I not call you?”, I demanded.

“Yesterday. You didn’t call me that whole day”, she complained.

“Really?”, I started putting pressure on my mind to know whether I had forgot to call her yesterday.

“See! Now you don’t even remember! That’s why I’m telling you not to call me now. Even if you’ll call me, I’ll not accept the call”, she decided.

“Hey! I’m so sorry yaar. I don’t remember I had called you yesterday or not. Probably I was busy with these assignments…”, I heard Pritesh calling me to leave for home even before my sentence met the full-stop.

Pritesh, our batchmate, was ready with his bike near the campus gate. His fingers were not moving off the horn, and he was forcing me to leave as it was getting dark. Pritesh and I shared our bikes alternately, so that we can save a bit on petrol, with its price rising day-by-day. We were housed at a distance of around one and half kilometres from each other, and so, coming to college sharing each other’s bike was a measure to keep the commuting budget lite. Today, it was his bike, and he seemed to be in a hurry.

“Coming”, my assuring voice broke the sound of the horn, for a minute only, though.

“Listen, I’m sorry. And I’ll call you tonight. Bye”, I rushed towards the bike.

“Don’t call! I’m not talking to you”, she shouted back.

“Bye”, I waved my hand and immediately took the pillion seat as the bike sped.

There was darkness now, and the cold winter wind was spine-chilling. I folded my arms tightly across my chest. It was cold.

We crossed the highway, and moved towards the single road which led us to home, via a solitude of three kilometres, after which the city made its appearance. We both were silent till now.

“Can I ask you one thing?”, Pritesh said, his mouth covered with his hanky tied across his mouth.

“Yes”, I responded.

“Do you love Anushka?”, I found his tone curious. His question made me think for a moment.

“Do I love her”, I mumbled, “No!”

“No?”, he asked, surprised.

“Yes, I don’t think I’m in love with her”, still trying to get hold of the decision. I myself was confused.

“Okay”, he stayed silent. But his question made me think. Do I love her? Right now it seemed I did not. Just because she’s the only girl I’m friends with, it doesn’t mean I love her, or she loves me. It was silly on part of Pritesh to ask.

Anyways, the thought did not end with the ride. It was far more echoing.

I stood there on the roof alone, after having my dinner, looking at the full moon and pretty stars. There was mostly silence, but the echo was still disturbing my mind, forcing me to review my answer to Pritesh.

Clouds in the sky were moving by the wind, cold winter wind, covering the pretty stars and the full-moon now.

“If I hadn’t loved you” — Episode 13

Cold november wind was easily felt on the second and highest floor of Mandsaur Institute of Technology. MIT was surrounded by the green fields, a police colony, a residential area away from the city, a nearby village with population surely not more than MIT’s total strength, and a National Highway. There was nothing more than these, no barriers for the wind to come and play in the institution.

The second floor was not the roof anymore, as it had some new classrooms now, and was called the “New Block”. It had classrooms on one side, and staircases on the other. The space in the middle was open, providing view to the police quarters nearby, which looked like a clay model for school project from this distance.From another open side, the view to the college canteen was clear. A group of students who just bunked classes and enjoying there could be seen.

I was sitting alone. The sun shone a little brighter now, and the sunlight felt like a warm cup of coffee in cold, trembling hands. Winter, like all other seasons, has its splendor. It helps you live the pleasure of being home, and recall the warmth when you are away somewhere. I closed my eyes, and faced upwards. It was enriching. I could feel the soft sunlight penetrating my eyes. Its warmth entered the body through skin pores, thus removing the effect of cold winds that blew. As the sun would hide behind clouds, the wind would be cooler. As the sun shone more, the cold would have no effect. The hide-n-seek of both made a good combination.

“Rahul…”

My eyes were still closed, I heard something. Someone just called me. I heard an angelic voice uttering my name. I tried to listen, concentrating more. There was silence, peace.

“Rahul”, the voice was louder. I quickly opened my eyes and searched for the source. She was there, behind me.

“Hey”, I smiled, turned back towards her.

“Why are you sitting here?”, she asked.

“Had nothing to do anywhere. Found it better to be here”, I replied.

“Okay. Anyways, I’m sorry”, she said.

“For what?”, I wondered.

“For whatever happened in the class”, she looked worried, “Me not looking at you when you were talking to me”

“Hey its okay. I can understand”, I smiled. She forced a smile back.

“Can I sit here?”, she asked.

“Yeah sure”, I said.

“Thanks”, she sat besides me, we both facing the police quarters now. There was this national highway just where the college campus had its boundary. Behind it, lied the whole city. There was a school visible far away, where children were playing in their blue and white uniforms. To its next was the residential area. Chimneys of some factories were also there too far away, and beyond it, was the horizon; although not so scenic at this moment.

“Why are you so silent?”, she asked.

“Nothing, was just…”, I stopped.

“Was just..?”, she asked.

“Thinking”, I smiled.

“Of course you are thinking something. But what?”, she demanded.

“No particular thought. Was thinking of everything”, I replied, seriously.

“How do people think of everything?”, she chuckled.

I smiled, looking at her. The sunlight was illuminating her brown eyes. Her face happy, a smile ranging her cheeks. Her slightly curly hair.

“Tell me”, she asked again.

“There’s nothing Anushka”, was my reply.

“Anu. Call me Anu”, she said.

“Really?”, I felt happy to be more acquainted with her.

“Yes. And for your kind information, very few of my friends are granted this privilege to call me by this name”

“Ohh, really?”, I suspected if I was already her privileged friend, “so I can call you Anu?”

“You have the right”, she winked.

I could not stop myself. There was an overdose of joy, more than I could handle. I laughed.

“What?”, she was surprised.

“Nothing”, I pointed towards the horizon, “see”

She tried to see what was there, her eyes keen to find something. I knew there was nothing, I just distracted her eyes away from my face so that I can smile freely, on my achievement; a name, Anu !

The group of friends in the college canteen was celebrating someone’s birthday, and ran after each other with cake pieces in hand.

“If I hadn’t loved you” – Episode 12

“May I come in?”

There was a voice at the threshold of the classroom. I lifted my face up from the drawing sheet to see her standing there.

“Yes, come in”, the teacher replied without looking at her, her eyes still busy with the attendance register on her table.

She happily marched inside the class, and moved towards the place where I was standing, holding my sheet on the drawing board. She looked at me, smiled. I smiled back. There was an empty place just behind me, she took that space.

Shweta ma’am, the Engineering Drawing teacher for the first semester, IT branch in MIT Mandsaur, was not much of a soft spoken lady. She’d criticize students at times, especially when they were not able to “imagine” properly; after all, ED was all about imagination than subject, as she always said.

“May I come in ma’am”, a sheepish voice of a boy, kind of soft, but hiding notoriety in it.

“Yes, come in”, she said as she now looked at the boy who was moving inside the class.

There was silence for a second when she cried out loud, “Stop!”

The boy stopped right there, wondering why did she stopped her.

“Whom did you just winked at?”, she demanded, anger in her voice.

“No one ma’am! I didn’t”, the boy replied.

“Don’t fool me you oversmart brat! I just saw you winking at someone. This is a class, for your information. You’re not allowed to do just anything here”, she was firm.

“No ma’am! I did nothing like that. In fact I was…”, the boy could not complete his sentence.

“Quiet! I just asked you not to argue with me. I’m pretty sure you did that, and there’s no point in lying now. I’m warning you for the first and last time, behave properly in my class; else I won’t allow you in next time. Now go to your place”, she was loud and offending. The guy walked forward to his place, fire in his eyes, but silent; careful enough not to look at her.

“Now start with your attendance. Ajay…”

“Yes ma’am”

“Akash…”

“Yes ma’am”

“Akshata…”

“Present ma’am”

I turned back towards Anushka, but she was carefully waiting for her name for attendance. Her palm towards me, asking me to hold.

“Anushka…”

“Yes ma’am”, she responded, and then back to me, smiling, “Hi !”

“Hi”, I smiled, “you completed the sheet that we have to submit today?”

“Yes, I did. And you?”

“No yaar, couldn’t complete it. It was a hard one for me. I tried to complete it by 11:30 in the night, but could not do so without any help. And then I could not wake up any longer, and slept”, I said with a sadistic tone.

“Hey, you could have called me for help. Remember, the calls to our network are free. Even I wasn’t able to complete the sheet on my own, so asked some girls in the hostel and completed it”, she tried to show her concern.

“I know. I’m afraid of how she is going to punish me…”

Suddenly her face stiffened, bent her head towards the drawing sheet on her table and stopped listening to me. There was silence! And I was talking to her, unaware of the fact that I was standing in the classroom, with a teacher most people loved to call “Lady Hitler”, with the attendance going on in the classroom.

Silence? What happened? I turned back, just to face Shweta ma’am angry eyes, and whole of the class looking at me.

“Rahul…Is that your name?”, she asked.

“Yes ma’am”, I responded, wondering what happened.

“Are you deaf? I’ve just called your name three times, and you don’t listen?”, she was shouting.

“Sorry ma’am”, now the reason was clear.

“No sorry, get out of my class”, she ordered, “Now !”

“But ma’am…”, I tried to protect myself.

“Right now, I said”, she shouted angrily.

I collected all my belongings, and left the classroom. While I was leaving, I turned back once to see Anushka, there were around eighty-four eyes gazing at me, along with hers. Some of the eyes seemed happy, some worried, some mischievious, and hers; I couldn’t read them.

I silently moved out towards the playground. Maybe the day wasn’t meant for me.

“If I hadn’t loved you” – Episode 11

Sweet memories!

Memories, dreams, and your subconscious mind; they don’t provide you with a pointer to handle and control them. Until and unless one has achieved some degree of spirituality, it is hard, i mean damn hard, to control these. They are like, you throw a stone in still water, and can see the ripples in it for a long piece of time. You can’t stop those ripples, they just fade away as the time proceeds.

Even though she is too far from me, physically, still she has access to my dreams. If you’d ask me, there’s nothing that ever ends. No connection that ever existed between two humans could end. It’s all like those ripples, they just fade away, by getting less frequent, less powerful, till your senses become incapable of sensing them. But they never vanish, they are always there. The canvas is always ready for a new picture to be painted. All you need is a brush, a stone to throw again in the water. And it reappears, like a ghost from some cemetery. You fight hard, but mostly you end up with racing heartbeats, and find yourself at the place it all started. It’s all a maze, life is a maze. No predictions, no wisdom. Fate steers you the way it wants.

“Can I have your contact number”, I asked after much hesitation. It never was, and is neither my policy to ask a girl for her contact number. But she was irresistible. I had no other option, I wanted to talk to her, befriend her. But, Oh My God! What have I done? Why would she give her number to me. It was yesterday evening we got acquainted of each other, and I’m hurrying. It’s too early idiot, messing it again.

“Yeah sure, note it down… 922..9..”, I was astonished! It worked! I quickly saved the number in my phone.

“Hey! It’s the same service provider as mine! And I have this offer of unlimited calling on any number of this network!”, I was excited.

“Really? Great!”, she smiled, just like how birds chirp in the spring. What a sweet smile to die for!

“Yes”, I said. The lunch break was over.

“Let’s see if I get a call from you”, she said, or blessed me with the permission, I don’t know. But there was no meter or apparatus to measure the joy that I felt then.

For the rest of the day, I could not concentrate on the drawing sheets of ED, Engineering Drawing. I was busy drawing conclusions, and the pictures of a better tomorrow.

At the end of the day, just waved a goodbye to her.

“Goodbye Anushka!”

“Bye Rahul!”

Not sure whether the signals transmitted by the educational FM transmitter in the college were in the air or not, but felt like, there’s something in the air, not necessarily be the love, but still, something great.

I left. The college building was standing in its full glory. The birds were chirping on the tower of the FM transmitter.

“If I hadn’t loved you” – Episode 10

[Before reading: This post was originally published on Infosys’ internal blog on an earlier date. Some of the content of this post has been censored in order to make it suitable to publish on wordpress blog. Any reference to current/today’s date in the post should not be confused with this posts’ publishing date on wordpress.]

Happy Birthday !!!
Exactly one year before the date that you can read near the title of this post, she had her 22nd birthday.
As soon as the clock said it was 12:00 am, I found myself tempting to wish her. I pressed ten keys of my phone slowly in an order that formed her contact number. To press eleventh, which would actually make a call to her, was on my own discretion.
I should call her, or should I not? It’ll be a broken promise if I call her, and if I don’t call her… well how can I rest in peace without wishing her on the birthday! Should I call? Should I not?
The thought of calling and wishing her a Happy Birthday occupied my mind that time. I wanted to talk to her. What was wrong if I called her after two months, and broke a promise that I made in our last and final meeting? I could see no harm in it. Although bound by the moral restrictions, I pressed the eleventh key to dial the number..
Before the phone rang, I saw Gaurav, my friend-cum-colleague-cum-roommate at Reliance Communications, coming inside the room. I immediately cut the call, and dropped the idea of calling then.
But in the morning, the feeling had grown. I had to wish her. I was waiting for the lunch break so that I can call her. Tried to call her while lunch, but was held back by something.
In the evening, I told Gaurav about her birthday. He was aware of my messy relationship with Anushka. And so, he himself called and wished her. While Gaurav was wishing her on the phone, I could hear her voice, even a little bit, but it filled me with joy. I was happy to listen to her voice after a year. And as supposed, she understood that it was not Gaurav who remembered her birthday. She had got a hint of my presence, as she repeatedly asked Gaurav whether he really remembered the birthday. Gaurav assured her, and I felt like I wished her.
But late evening, post dinner, I could not control myself, and dialled her number.
“Hello”, I heard her voice, which was equally good to listen. For a moment, I was lost in her dreams.
“Hello..”, she said again, “who is this?”
“Anushka”, I was silent, the dream was over.
She identified, and there was silence for a milli-second which made me realize that she might hang up the call.
Immediately, I reacted, “Anushka, Happy Birth…”, I could not complete the sentence. The line was dead. She hung up.
It had been three years till then, almost each day I had cried for her. This day was no exception. I felt like a stray dog, who is never paid attention, deprived of love, food, shelter, basic things. Like always, she made me realize that I stood nowhere in her life. Crying, sobbing, weeping, was all over. Either I didn’t deserve her, or better, she didn’t deserve me.
And after exactly one year, I’m here in Infosys, writing a birthday special blog post for her on the occasion of her 23rd birthday. The only difference is that I didn’t call her to wish now, and even though there’s enough time for the day to end, I’m not going to wish her, call her, message her. All I’ll do is just pray to the God for her safety, wellbeing, and happiness; and yes, will wish her on InfyBlogs.
Happy Birthday, Anushka !!!

P.S. : I’m not sad, neither feeling sorry. I’ve learnt to live without you.

“If I hadn’t loved you” – Episode 9

“Who is she?”, Mitesh, my friend and colleague at Infosys, asked me when he saw her pic as the wallpaper on my phone.
“Anushka”, I thought for a minute, then replied.
“Ohh… the same girl you told me about?”, he was curious.
“Yes… the same girl I told you about”, I smiled a bit, and so did he.
“You are such a fool”, smiling, he said.
I laughed at it inside my heart. I was happy to be called a fool by someone, because I always knew I had been. Only thing was very few people told me this on my face. Whenever I heard such words, I felt worthy and contented, as I was once loved (not sure, but this thought keeps me happy at least) by such a nice girl.
“Yes, I know”, I smiled back.
“Why?”, he had a very simple question, but was more than all the answers I had.
It always took courage and effort to answer such kind of questions, as I had to admit that it was me who was the initiator of the end. But anyways, now I was habitual of it.
“I stopped talking to her. It is as simple as that”, I tried to make it look simple. What a joke. I can’t make it simple though. Some things take a lifetime for you to understand and act upon, and you still try to call them simple. It is nothing but the abstraction of your own inefficiency. I knew it was not simple for me, neither the decision of not talking to her, nor the efforts to rewind time. I’m still searching for a time machine to go back to time and correct my mistakes, but these machines are not easy to find. Seems like they exist somewhere, in this timezone or the other, but they do exist. And it is my sheer incapability and misfortune to find one. I can blame myself anytime for this.
“Really, it is”, he understood it very well.
The wheel of time started moving back, and I saw myself in the college, on that unfortunate day when I ignored her for the first day in my life.
“Rahul..”, she approached me excitedly on the very first day of third semester. Pure happiness, the expression that I never saw after that day on her face, was a resident on her face then.
Just a second, and I saw myself making a cut through the crowd of students and moving ahead. Unbelievably, I had just ignored her. It was no easy task, and I just did that. My heart wanted to stop right then and there, and my mind was forcing me forward. They both started quarreling in loud voice, and that sound covered my ears to listen to anything else. Till date, I’m not sure if she called me again or not just after that, as I had lost most of my senses then.
I passed the dark corridor of Mechanical workshop, and found a silent corner there at its end, where no one passing could see me. My palm raised to my eyes, wiped the tear/s, and I moved ahead towards the college canteen.
That was the day, almost four years back from now, when I lost her. This day was followed by much of the disheartening incidents, both for me and her. But everytime I tried to justify myself, I just found mud and guilt inside.
Mitesh had just switched on the television, and it was featuring Namaste London. Akshay Kumar was predicting their hypothetical meeting in future to Katrina after he’ll leave for India without her.
I smiled again as he finished his last dialogue.
“Ishq di mere mitra pehchaan ki, mit jaave jadon jid apnan di”